Church: A Survival Guide for Introverts

As I mentioned in my last post, most churches in America tend to be places where there is lots and lots of talking. The emphasis is usually on casual, spontaneous conversation. This type of atmosphere is often fostered by Church leaders because it creates a sense of friendliness and informality – something that is appealing to a lot of people. However, for introverts such as myself, it can feel intimidating… even hostile.

I’m not an expert on the topic, but – having been a part of several Churches over the course of my lifetime – I do have a little advice for my fellow introverts who are struggling to “fit” in these types of churches.

• Choose Your Church Carefully.  Most of my advice is going to be for people who, like me, have been part of Churches for some time. However, for those who are just trying to join-up, I think you should take some time to pick the right place. Take some time to meet with a Pastor or staff member from the Church to tell them about yourself. Ask them if they think  you would be a good fit. If you attend for 2-3 weeks, and you are just feeling that there is too much “social” pressure, move on. There may be other places where you are more comfortable.
• Accept Your Limits and Embrace Your Strengths. The reality for most introverts is that we are not going to socialize as extensively as most of the rest of the people in the Church. For that reason, you may not attend every event that is offered up. That’s okay. The fact that God created you to operate on a different “wavelength” doesn’t make you defective. Rather, it provides you with a unique set of gifts to contribute to your Church; gifts which it may be missing.
• Own Your Introversion. I wish I had learned this a long time ago. Learn to talk about your personality. Help them to understand who you are and why you may not be as chatty as others. Something as simple as “I really need my down time to recuperate from the work week” can be enough to give others great insight as to why you behave the way you do. It also helps them to know how to “handle” you when you don’t seem talkative.
• Learn to Affirm Others. Because of the heavy emphasis that our culture places on casual conversation, people can get the idea that you don’t like them because you don’t talk to them much. A great way to deal with this is to find a few words to speak to others that acknowledges their value. On one occasion, after my daughters’ dance recital, I ran across a dancer that our family knew, but to whom I had hardly ever spoken. I felt awkward not talking to her, so I mentioned to her how beautifully I thought she performed in one particular piece. When she heard this, she lit up, because – in one sentence – I had managed to dispel her fear that “maybe he doesn’t like me/approve of me.” A few words that let people know you admire them and value them can often make up for the 30 minutes of chit-chat that will slowly drain the life out of you!
• Make a Well-Connected Friend. This is basic networking theory, but its really important. Make a conscious effort to develop a good, working relationship with an extrovert who seems to be well-connected in the Church. This will not only help you to be known by others, but it also gives you a level of “visibility” within the community that will bring ministry opportunities.
• Look for Ministry Needs that Suit Your Temperament. One of the most memorable ministry projects of my life involved building a 7 foot-tall volcano for a Vacation Bible School. I did almost all of it myself, working in my back yard, after I finished work each day. After I was done, I called up a friend with a pickup and we delivered it to the VBS site. The kids loved it, and I was gratified that I had found a way to contribute, without pulling my hair out the next week in 3-hour interactive marathons at the church.
• Sometimes You Gotta Suck it Up. Like it or not, extroverts love to talk to you. Sometimes, when you have the spare reserves, the best ministry that you can offer to someone is to simply listen to them. Remember how I talked about my disdain for the “stand up and greet your neighbor” part of worship in the last post? I think our Church should do that every week, just like we do. Not because I enjoy it, but because it gives me a chance to be hospitable to others.

I could add a few more things, but by now you are getting the idea. Accept yourself. Own your personality when you speak to others. Find ways to make sure people know that you value them. Then, look for ways to contribute that “fit” your personality.

Any other suggestions from fellow introverts?