I've been astounded by all of the feedback I've been getting on this series of posts. Thanks to everyone for your comments, emails, re-tweets, etc. If you are interested in exploring this issue more, Adam McHugh has some great ideas.

Now…a few final thoughts for church leaders about how to deal with the introverts in your flock.

First, I am not a proponent of rearranging everything in your church to accommodate introverts. Statistically speaking, introverts are – at best – going to comprise about 30% of your membership, and even then many of those may be so mildly introverted that much of what I've said in the last two posts doesn't even apply to them. Introverts are, relatively speaking, a minority, and – unless "introvert outreach" is your church's mission – it makes no sense to structure your entire community around the needs of this particular group.

Having said that, I do believe that fostering some degree of sensitivity toward the way your church "culture" affects introverts can pay huge dividends. Primarily, you need to avoid a mentality in which attendance at "chatty" social events and bold personalities are somehow equivocated to healthy spirituality.  Watch out for the subtle ways the theological language of the church regarding ideas like "community" and "fellowship" get translated into casual socializing and gregariousness. They are not the same thing. When people become convinced that 45 minutes of talking about the news and sports at the weekly men's breakfast is "authentic community," you are fostering unnecessary guilt among introverts (who probably don't attend) and complacency among the extroverts.

In addition to more social events, find a way to organize some events that center on contemplative spirituality. Many introverts, particularly those that have never experienced this sort-of thing, will love this stuff. Think about mid-week prayer services that are mostly about silence and meditation. Encourage the practice of lectio divina in your Sunday Schools. By all means, keep the "stand up and greet your neighbor" segment in your worship service, but also include an extended time of silent contemplation. Some amazing things can happen – for extroverts and introverts – when, in the midst of a time of prayer, a full sanctuary is simply silent for 2-3 minutes.

As introverts arrive at a place where they are ready to contribute, take some time to get to know what interests them. Do they like to build things? Think about asking them to do community service (either alone, or with a friend or two – don't make it a "big event"). Do they like to read? Perhaps they would contribute a 2-3 paragraph book review to the church bulletin. Are they into hobby board games or pen-and-paper roleplaying games? Encourage them to invite people to the church for a regular game night with people who share the same interests.

Once the introvert becomes comfortable with you and with the Church surroundings, you may be surprised to find that it is like uncorking a bottle of wine or perfume. They may look very mundane on the outside, but on the inside there are a lot great things just waiting to come out. Often, they are things that will benefit not only the fellow introverts, but others in your church, as well as in your community as a whole.

As I mentioned in my last post, most churches in America tend to be places where there is lots and lots of talking. The emphasis is usually on casual, spontaneous conversation. This type of atmosphere is often fostered by Church leaders because it creates a sense of friendliness and informality – something that is appealing to a lot of people. However, for introverts such as myself, it can feel intimidating… even hostile.

I’m not an expert on the topic, but – having been a part of several Churches over the course of my lifetime – I do have a little advice for my fellow introverts who are struggling to “fit” in these types of churches.

• Choose Your Church Carefully.  Most of my advice is going to be for people who, like me, have been part of Churches for some time. However, for those who are just trying to join-up, I think you should take some time to pick the right place. Take some time to meet with a Pastor or staff member from the Church to tell them about yourself. Ask them if they think  you would be a good fit. If you attend for 2-3 weeks, and you are just feeling that there is too much “social” pressure, move on. There may be other places where you are more comfortable.
• Accept Your Limits and Embrace Your Strengths. The reality for most introverts is that we are not going to socialize as extensively as most of the rest of the people in the Church. For that reason, you may not attend every event that is offered up. That’s okay. The fact that God created you to operate on a different “wavelength” doesn’t make you defective. Rather, it provides you with a unique set of gifts to contribute to your Church; gifts which it may be missing.
• Own Your Introversion. I wish I had learned this a long time ago. Learn to talk about your personality. Help them to understand who you are and why you may not be as chatty as others. Something as simple as “I really need my down time to recuperate from the work week” can be enough to give others great insight as to why you behave the way you do. It also helps them to know how to “handle” you when you don’t seem talkative.
• Learn to Affirm Others. Because of the heavy emphasis that our culture places on casual conversation, people can get the idea that you don’t like them because you don’t talk to them much. A great way to deal with this is to find a few words to speak to others that acknowledges their value. On one occasion, after my daughters’ dance recital, I ran across a dancer that our family knew, but to whom I had hardly ever spoken. I felt awkward not talking to her, so I mentioned to her how beautifully I thought she performed in one particular piece. When she heard this, she lit up, because – in one sentence – I had managed to dispel her fear that “maybe he doesn’t like me/approve of me.” A few words that let people know you admire them and value them can often make up for the 30 minutes of chit-chat that will slowly drain the life out of you!
• Make a Well-Connected Friend. This is basic networking theory, but its really important. Make a conscious effort to develop a good, working relationship with an extrovert who seems to be well-connected in the Church. This will not only help you to be known by others, but it also gives you a level of “visibility” within the community that will bring ministry opportunities.
• Look for Ministry Needs that Suit Your Temperament. One of the most memorable ministry projects of my life involved building a 7 foot-tall volcano for a Vacation Bible School. I did almost all of it myself, working in my back yard, after I finished work each day. After I was done, I called up a friend with a pickup and we delivered it to the VBS site. The kids loved it, and I was gratified that I had found a way to contribute, without pulling my hair out the next week in 3-hour interactive marathons at the church.
• Sometimes You Gotta Suck it Up. Like it or not, extroverts love to talk to you. Sometimes, when you have the spare reserves, the best ministry that you can offer to someone is to simply listen to them. Remember how I talked about my disdain for the “stand up and greet your neighbor” part of worship in the last post? I think our Church should do that every week, just like we do. Not because I enjoy it, but because it gives me a chance to be hospitable to others.

I could add a few more things, but by now you are getting the idea. Accept yourself. Own your personality when you speak to others. Find ways to make sure people know that you value them. Then, look for ways to contribute that “fit” your personality.

Any other suggestions from fellow introverts?

I test out as an introvert on the Myers-Briggs type indicator. And by that I mean seriously introverted. I have 99% of the signs and characteristics of this personality type, and probably a few additional ones that would fascinate the psychological profession to no end.

Some people are surprised to hear this because I am a litigator. A lawyer? Not so surprising. After all, someone needs to sit in front of their computer for hours on end drafting things like those license agreements that we never read when we install software on our computer – and who better to forego hours on end of personal interaction than an introvert, right? But a litigator? Who has to deal with witnesses? And judges? And juries? And other lawyers? And – gasp! – clients? How does that work?

It actually works out much better than you would imagine. I have arranged my work and non-work patterns so that I get a lot of quiet time, and the rest of my practice actually helps to get me “out” and interacting with people on a day-to-day basis, something that my extroverted wife insists is good for me.

Dealing with church, however, has always been an interesting challenge. This isn’t because introverts are incapable of rich, healthy spiritual lives, but because – to the introvert – most modern-day, Western churches look and feel like social minefields.

Inspired by a recent reading of Adam McHugh’s Introverts in the Church, a book I would heartily recommend for pastors (introverted or otherwise) and introverted lay-leaders as well, I will try to explain – in this post – why doing church (as its come to be called) is challenging for introverts. Then, in a couple of posts to follow, I plan to provide brief survival guides for introverts in the church, and for the church leaders who deal with them.

So…what makes church such a challenging experience for the introvert? To answer the question, lets look at some typical traits of introverts, and consider the way they impact their interactions within modern-day churches.

• Introverts often prefer solitude over socializing. Introverts require a certain quota of time in which they are either (a) alone or (b) in the company of a only select person or group of people, such as a spouse or family member (and even then, not conversing very much). This gives us time to process the things that happen to us in our lives and to recuperate from the difficult task of interacting with the world. Some people go crazy if they spend too much time alone. Introverts go crazy when they spend too much time with people, even people that they like.
• Introverts value conversational quality over quantity. Introverts are not interested in constantly talking when in the presence of others. If you happen to stumble over a subject that interests the introvert, you may find yourself in a deep conversation a few minutes later (like it or not!). However, if not, the conversation is likely to strike the extrovert as awkward and puzzling. For the introvert, small talk is hard work, and generally unpleasant. I often think of it this way: extroverts like to talk about what is on their mind at the moment, while introverts like to talk about what has been on their mind lately. The first is contemporary, spontaneous and semi-random; the second is an expression of a more purposeful train of thought that has likely bee in the introvert’s mind for weeks, months, or even years.
• Shyness and introversion are not the same thing. Some introverts suffer from communication apprehension, or the fear of personal interaction. However, many – like me – don’t really fear interaction per se. Rather, casual conversation – something that comes very naturally for most people – is simply experienced as hard work. When we are involved in purpose-driven communications – such as lectures or group meetings – introverts often shine. I’m pretty sure that some of the best preaching ministers/pastors that I’ve ever known have been extreme introverts. Give introverts a good format and forum in which to express their thoughts, and you may be surprised at the results!
• Introverts are Anxious About Being Misinterpreted. As I’ve said, casual interaction is hard work for the introvert. This isn’t because we dislike people, or because we think the subject matter of casual conversation is too trivial for our “deep” thoughts. Its just very difficult for us to stay focused on this particular type of conversation. We avoid extensive small talk because we are inadequate at it. However, at the same time, we fear that people misinterpret this as a form of rejection/withdrawal. Its a very awkward thing, and we often don’t deal with it very well because…well…we’re introverts. So the problem tends to spiral downward.
• Introverts talk less about themselves. At this point, it probably goes without saying, but introverts tend to be “closed” personalities. Though close friends and spouses know them well, they tend to talk about themselves less with their casual acquaintances. This makes it difficult for them to become well-known in social organizations, and they are often thought of as mysterious and reclusive.
• Introverts tend to prefer mediated communication. Books, email, and (even) Facebook are great forms of communication to an introvert, because they allow the introvert to communicate as much as they want, and only to the extent that they want. These tools allow the introvert to regulate the quantity and rate of communication at a level that is more tolerable.

Some people, I realize, have a lot of trouble “getting” what the big deal is when it comes to the lack of capacity for extensive, casual interaction. For those, a workable comparison can be made to the feeling that students get when they have to study for a test on a subject area that doesn’t interest them. The act of forcing oneself to concentrate can itself be very stressful and anxiety-inducing. Again, this isn’t because we dislike people – we just like to talk (a) less and (b) on a different “wavelength.”

So why are Churches such difficult places for introverts? The short answer is: modern Churches tend to be places where people are expected to talk – a lot! This is not necessarily a bad thing. It makes the Church an attractive place for most people. However, the problem lies in the introvert’s perception that they are required to participate in the chattiness. A great example is the “stand up and greet your neighbor” segment that many churches utilize during their worship time to help encourage an atmosphere of friendliness and informality. It works great for most folks…but – if the statistics are correct – every time it happens in a church with more than a handful of visitors, at least one of them is made less comfortable by the experience. The request to stand up and introduce yourself is actually experienced as something that is inhospitable. I know it sounds counterintuitive to say that the first thing an introverted visitor needs is to be left alone for several worship sessions, but that is often exactly what they need to acclimate themselves!

The theological language of “community” can also pose a problem. Church leaders often use terms like “authentic community” to describe something that members are supposed to experience. Another, similar term that I used to hear a lot was “fellowship.” While I think these are valid theological concepts, Churches often translate them into informal events, often involving meals and “fun” activities, in which everyone is supposed to come together and interact. All of the talk, no matter how superficial, is seen as the embodiment of “community.” Again, these types of gatherings are perfectly normal activities for most folks, but they have little to do with forming the type of “community” that is described in the Bible. Equating them with healthy spirituality can make the introvert feel like a second-class member.

One last example: small groups. Some churches put heavy emphasis on getting new members into small groups very quickly. The initiates are then asked to attend regular meetings and to interact with the strangers in the group about spiritual issues. Introverts need these experiences, but they probably need to start much more slowly, and they probably need to be a part of smaller, more intimate groups (even pairings). Rushing everyone into groups like this – while it may be effective on a larger scale – tends to drive out the more extreme introverts.

I write all of this because I think that both the introvert and the community suffer when a heavily “extroverted” culture develops in a Church. I’ll explain why as we continue in the next post or two.